We must all suffer. But the great ones suffer in to wisdom. I dare to suffer. I've spent all this time worried about how little time i commit to art. But my counter argument was how the fucking hell am i suppose to live.. you know have the subject for which my art exists. I would become a fucking hermit. Etc. But i am starting to realize that one of the great men did the hermit thing. well not exactly like that. but I have to spend at least 8 hours working at art. it has to be me. It has to be zen. My life is art. I was afraid that i would be enslaved to it. that i would be it. but now i realize that It is my commitment. It is in essence my kingdom. And i can't choose to walk away from it. i am responsible for it. I must tirelessly work the burden or fail to be a good king. My life will be a part of it. But in essence. They must be synthesized together. They cannot operate as a separate entities of my conscious existence.
In a away i decided a while ago that i would not be a doctor. much to the dismay of my grandparents. Because i thought med school was too hard. I think my mother asked me to explicitly spare myself the pain. But do you know why we respect doctors so much. especially to good ones. Because their life is their work. They love people. They cherish them. They act compassionately to take care of them. And Med School-the menace of suffering- is like the cold forge that the dostoevsky talks about. i have been pussied out. i have been trying to have my cake and eat it too.
I suppose at this point given my upbringing my intellect (my talent --I doubt i have much)* topic for later. I owe it to myself to suffer. To go through like my heroes. In order to find what it is that is glorious. There is no easy way.
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