I am scared of belief. because I am scared of the things that become soul crushingly automatic. I like the protean. Flexible. Changeable. That which moves and is in motion. I despise jobs and work that is redundant. And I am fear them. with intensity. I fear work that is meaningless too. I fear that if I make painting not play as it is now but make it work that somehow I will kill the woman I love most. I will kill the joy and the excitement. Like setting a time table for sex. Like reducing spontaneous. Kill the that which moves for that which is solid and stoic. Because in truth painting is pretty idiotic. its pretty ridiculous. Its actually outrageous. But i love it. I believe in it. And I am afraid of hurting it. I am afraid of changing it. I am afraid of turning it in to something rigid. I am afraid that it won't keep changing for me. despite the fact that I see infinite possibilities.
The truth is that painting is the most self is act. it is mean relishing in life. And I only can hope that it is unselfish. I want it to be selfless but i have no idea if it is. I love it and i am almost feel guilty. what of everyone who sacrificed selflessly for me. what of everyone who decided to be automatic. to be what i refuse. What I cannot be.
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