So i was deferred from my studio arts moderation post. Literally brought up the same problem that my mom did. I am becoming my dad and in your head intellectual. Fuck. Thats my problem I don't run. I can't run. I need to start using my head instead of letting my head use me. the problem is that I am almost nihilist I believe in very little. I don't stand my ground. i don't even know where my ground is. Fuck. Damn it my face is getting numb I have no idea why. Well maybe this has something to do with it.
I mean with those four things I believe in What can I say. I don't need to comment on morality. Because i don't believe in morals. I don't believe in justice. I am not sure I even believe in equality. I just believe in the universe. I don't believe in myself. But I suppose I believe in everyone else. I scared of pain. I am scared of commitment. I am all together entirely too flexible. Or maybe flexible is the wrong word. I am intimidated by action. I want the instant elation and excitement and fear the pain. I am product of modernity. But I will not blame modernity for my problems. I don't believe in nihilism. I don't believe in post modernism. I don't believe in not believing and there in lies my contradiction.
How do i Give in and give up. I am afraid of becoming something because something means I am something and not something else. It means I am not god. I am not everything. it kills my omnipotence. It kills the thing that I clung too. I am afraid of the pigeon hole. I am afraid of the rabbit hole because I scared of losing possibilities. I am scared that infinity will disappear.
No comments:
Post a Comment