In many ways I scared to love them or say it. I am scared that it will sound contrite. I am scared that when I end a phone conversation it will be disingenuous because I don't or shouldn't love them anymore after talking to them. correct?
I don't know i feel like especially for my mother all the things i have ever done for her to tell her that i love her have been to superficially cute. Too banal. lacking in the originality of my character.
And my father I wouldn't know where to begin expressing the complexity of my feeling for him. It is not merely a social construct of confucian-east asian respect and distance formed in the nuclear family network but perhaps it also the dynamic with which we treat each other and make little effort to psychologically pry into each other. We utilize third-party object abstractions in conversation to disseminate meaning.
I am afraid to love both of them for different reasons. My mother because I don't know how to express and materialize it properly. and my father because everything I know about his background and past has been disseminated by others and I don't know what he knows that I know about him. I am afraid to bring up his past and present and usually only deal with him in conversation in hypothetical future tense. I am afraid to say i love him or acknowledge my love because it would break the Socratic dialogue we maintain. It would undermine the wit and spryness and my will to make him proud. Or so i believe?
My brother. I love him. This I know. this I can say. Because he beyond anything I know has superseded my imaginations. I remember I begged my mother for a brother. And I dreamed and dreamed of how he will be. I would sit on my bed and manifested him alongside me and let us run through my imagination. I would imagine him playing with me. different as he is. He was the perfect brother in my mind. In my mind we adventured in to the depths of imagined worlds. space became buoyant and light.
But now he has exceeded perfect. He and his reality to me has defied every expectations of existence. And his essence and character is one I could not be more proud of. He is my faith in man. A light that I will protect and give space to. He is. He is more powerful than the imagination that I worship and realization for me that things manifested because of their impurities are more delightful than the imagination. And sometimes it is chance but this time it is fate. If ever there was being worth living for. A person with whom I know to be great. Then he is it. This revelation to him will come in time. Our meager adventures in real space have held the greatest real delight to me. The wonder of his imagination and the strength of his knowledge has carried us forward. But it is his joy that exceeds anything I have ever known. It is louder and more complete that I have ever known. He is the love that I can embody him.
Here now, I stand to make a promise to never deaden my love to him with the critical weight of Socratic speak but rather guide him like peter pan across planes and times. i shall not be a father to my brother but truly a brother to my brother. A guide. Never esoteric. Only warm. Only righteous and only true. With the power of illusion and lies to illustrate what I mean.
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