I affected myself into becoming an artist. This is true through and through. and I am coming to terms with it. I made myself and artist. I was not born for it. I did it and made myself one and took the appearance of one. And probably am not one yet. I did it for status and women. I did for glory over money. I made it a choice. Deliberate and unnatural. Utterly natural as well. It was an affected rebellion against becoming a lame and forgotten person. I don't believe or I believe it would be naive of me to believe that this rebellion came from a deeper place that says I was born to be an artist and that is why i rebelled.
In earnest, I mostly wanted to be respected. I looked up to the 'artists"at school as people who garnered respect because of their uniqueness. I wanted it and I took it. This turning point was a slow deliberate calculated turn. It was a matter of appearance and making appearances. I don't think I embraced being a crazy artist. Or at least I was afraid of the crazy I can be. could be and was. Because I had been weird before. Then this weird became tamer. This weird could have become typical banal as in generic mall creation then manifested into career hungry dead man. Deciding the be an artist was a mask for this potential life. a mere appearance to provide a veil from saying I didn't want to be generic.
So this has been the root of my problem. It has forced me to approach life a) metaphysically via structured metaphysics and b) to see art as a the creation of appearances/anecdotal scenes c) as a lack of faith in having faith/being crazy about art because i wasn't genuine. The obsession with metaphysical definitely was a subconscious scream that I understood that what I am now (freshmen year of college) is a glamorous appearance of what I truly am ugly and generic and banal. metaphysical emphasis on appearances as being not merely enough came to a core and was something i upheld because I intrinsically understood it. I don't believe in metaphysicals as a systems of understanding the real world anymore. But metaphysics still has utility.
Worst I thought that art required the mimicry of objects. A mimicry of a thing. That this was a of highest importance and fundamental to skill. And in this way I have continuously and erroneously pursued art. Appearance in the metaphysical thought allowed me to think first that I was making a mere appearance for an idea in my mind. No Idea and Appearance comes together on canvas/paper/media. Truly This was wrong. Art became mere display of skill fit into style and genre. There is no style and there is no genre. And in making appearances I didn't have to believe in anything. I didn't have to believe in the work. I didn't have to feel it. and most of all I could not love it. I could not embody it. It was a utter failure. I have failed art continuously.
Finally, this thinking in appearance as a separate from existence has failed me in craft. In lacking care for life because believing the the separation of appearance and existence-being meant that I could be cynical and nihilistic. It meant that I could not believe and gather distance from everything. Pull myself apart from the world. And How I FELT SO FUCKING OBJECTIVE. LIKE I WAS A GOD. but I am a man now. And I know that this can not be a system of living. That separating things and making sections for thing in unnatural ways cannot be. (that sentence might be wrong). But Now I care. I care profoundly. Because everything is here right in front of me.
YOU MIGHT SAY: But HOMER WHATABOUTTHEGODDAMNMASKYOUSEEPRESENTINATURE? AKA bark on a tree to conceal the interior or skin on human to conceal the workings of the mind.... this things if taken farther would imply that there is something in the beyond that is truer to humanness then skin then flesh.. then mind. I say true that is true but the conclusion cannot be right because the bark is just as much the tree as the root and we are influenced by our skin as much as we our blood. and I am not asking you to see things flatly in front of oneself but rather I am asking to perceive with this scientific seeing and also perceive with my own existence and trust non-objective non-rational forms of understanding. or lets just say trust forces yet to be rationalized. Those who are rational shall continue the progressive of rational understanding and may begin to grasp at the fringes of that knowledge by the day I die.
Metaphysics however is useful as method of reducing from the maze of crazy shitstorm in the world a series of smaller symbolic representations of the world. Aka my mind is a point possible theory. That the mind in its genesis and in its death is a point and all things are connected to this point that are perceived by my consciousness but truly now my mind is more than one point but rather a multiformed shaped composed of many points and planes interlocking in an indefinite but certainly not infinite way that consistently reconfigures in indefinite sponteneous though also not infinite ways. or at least not yet infinite. Hopefully my mind is finite. Or best to say that my mind will be finite but it hopes to be infinite.
Again. Perceive this world Homer. that is the best you can do. really feel it.
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