Do I Participate in my life?

I have come to question whether i participate in my life or merely observe it from a distance. As if it is a spectacle or fragile work of art?

Is this somehow wrong?

I think I am smart. But sometimes I think I am too smug. I just watch some much of the time. When people recall nostalgic moments with others I am hardly ever recalled in it. I hardly ever seem to be doing anything. Or anything worth recalling. I permeate every group of friends but sometimes I hardly feel like I penetrate the groups.

But Do I need to meaningfully attach?

Does my social detachment offer advantages that I could not live without. Or is this a serious problem of mine. Who Am I?

If I am this observed does it interfere with my life goals. Does it help them? Is part of Homer? Is part of Homer as an Artist? Homer as thinker?

I cannot imagine being any one else.

I suppose a good experiment is to be more socially close.

The people I regard as close to are Mark, Matt, Kais, Amelia and sometimes Kath

But there are walls there that I don't break. For certain. I cannot marry any one of them because there are lies there stuck between these friendships. They sometimes offer foundational support or at least serve as make up to cover up my mistakes.

I haven't lied too many times at Bard. I suppose it is possible.

I feel close to Dyl and Nick but I hardly share anything particularly personal.

I don't really know what to do.

I am too used to being cool to let my guard down.

Lets be open to being close to people.

I suppose I am really quite open with Thomas.

The fact I may never have a roommate in college again impedes this closeness.

This is too strange. This was a lot to get out. That damn dinner where i was socially welcome but also very much an observer state in the UN of Ali, Aude, Maryellen,Jordan, and Orsini. I want to feel close.

There is this social chasm. I am also making reference some scholarship that I read on Aristotle with the Bust of Homer by Rembrandt. A favorite painting of mine. Not just because of Namesake. But the scholarship notes that Aristotle looks out to show how the strong minds and intellects develop social chasm because they are so meditative and pensive. Is that what happened to me. I am so determined to be smart that I am building a moat no one can swim across. or are the people i want to have nostalgic experience with just not my chemistry of friend? God that is so egotistical for me to say.

Can I be close. Or am I emotionally distant. and if this is the case Am I becoming my father? my father's son. Who Am I Hurting?

Am I going to be alone because of this. Is this why i love radiohead?

I might change my character put on mask to be close. I don't know. This mask will be fun one. Maybe. Maybe it'll be more true to me. Maybe I won't be acting. maybe there is no such thing as acting because every time we speak. We act. physically. But also act as in must translate from brain to mind. Maybe there is someone. Some hope for what I need to do.