Deli Meat.

Everything is Give and Take. Live and Lose. And This is the paradox of we must fight again and again. I just lost ground this morning. and Gave

I JUST WANT TO GO FUCKIN HOME
I WANT TO GO TO VASSAR


I want to eat cheap meat and onions with mustard and fries from the better Maxwell with Matt and Tom. When Tom is Shitfaced and Matt is scared of the Belligerant. I want to talk about Sex with Nick while smoking cigarettes. I want to Fuck Becca Marks. I want everything. I want to live gloriously in honor of my spirit.

P.S. I watched Ratatouille Tonight... Amazing. Especially when i was suppose to be studying finals.

Ok Back to a strange topic. Sleepover sex. I had Sleepover Sex with Chrisanna the other night. It was fun... Well she was boring lay... she kind just lied there but i really couldn't complain. i mean fuck I probably would have been as lazy. I know i am probably a terrible lay. Awful. downright bad. I am sure every girl lies to me. Chrisanna was really fuckin bad. I think like maybe around 20 minutes later i asked if was a good lay... and without hesisation as if mechanical she said yes.... obviously she has practiced.

Regardless the topic is sex... How the fuck do i not get attached. I mean i can't help but get attached to some one who gets that close. or anyone who gets that close. I mean shit. I am tired of being a douchebag boy... but somehow my mistakes make me in to one and then instead of recitfying my mistakes i go with their flow.... ERRGG crap shit. I just listened to Frank's radio show and talked to him on facebook chat. I wish i fell in love... like he seems to have. But i think i am fucked...

I told emily the other day that i had dream that i was going to be single parent of twin girls... one of them named adria. It isn't really a dream...well it sort of is. It has almost become a fantasy because i know i won't have that kind of lasting strong love that is good for me. I might love forever. In fact i know that. But i see that I am terrible lover... Not just in bed but I am not good to keep around. i am liar. I am fool. My head is in the clouds. Worst of all I occassionaly believe I am genius. and Then Always fight that with modesty and humbleness. Because the next minute i really don't believe it. I am at war with the idea of personally being a genius. Wanting it but not wanting it to be me. Comprende?
Back to being a single parent. Its a more elaborate fantasy becuase my dream car is BMW 2002... thank you mom for putting that in my head... which has no air bags. My lover... mother of my children would die in a fatal car crash with the rest of my faily in the car. and the girls and I would just have to move on. live it. and she will die... with me believing she is my one and only because i will never grow old and tired of her... weakly and persistantly clinging to her memory. And finding that the people i really will lover forever... my children are her and my spawn... collaborative creation. In my mind I will purify her until she is the MAdonna to my JC. I will save the world because I have a benevolent mother/lover figure who is pure at heart and does no wrong. I am so psycho fucked.

Wow I am terrible. I want the non-existant mother of my non-existant children to die... so i will never see the world come between us while she is alive. WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF CHILDREN DO I WANT TO RAISE. WHY WOULD I WANT TO PUT KIDS THROUGH THAT IF I LOVED THEM? how wrong is it for me to think of something that probably/hopefully witll heppn in 10 years?


On a lighter note... Ratatouille is one my new favorite movies.... An Artist can come from anywhere... I believe it

Would it be super pretatious if i refered to my profession as Arttist? on tax returns at least?