Brackett, WI

I know this Backwards and Forwards. I know people. I know Human Nature. Why is this So fuckin Hard? I am human.... I know people get hurt. Why am I so emotionally cold blooded. I helped my friends through this kind of pain... Why do I cause the same pain. I am not fucking better for trying to be good. Why the fuck am I evil.


I think The biggest turning point in my life was when I associated myself with Han Solo more than Luke Skywalker. Because then I didn't want to be the hero. The white knight. I want to be real. The Scruffy Looking Nerf Herding life. I want to be space smuggler. Lost. But still a little good. The one that got the girl Because he was dick but a good dick. The one who isn't intimidated but occassionaly afraid. This is the turning point of my life. The axis from which it revolves is based on George Lucas' most mythical of tales.


Is it a problem that I am cut throat gangster and adore them. But most of that is a lie. I am all that is wrong because I am good, or I hope I am, But i hide and shy away from it. i am the good perosn that does nothing. i stand by. I don't stop AIDS. HIV. Malaria. I just selfishly look out for myself. If I was in Austria/ Germany in 1938 I wouldn't have stopped hitler. I wouldn't die. I wouldn't do anything except be the ambivalent one who would take selfish risks not bigger than myself. Instead of taking a world wide risk. Somethingt aht puts everything in jeopardy not just me.

I want my Ideals back. But i still Want t be Solo. I need a luke and leia... to need me. I need to help and cuase. I need something to stand for. Well, I stand for art. The glory of mankind's triumphant introspection. Proof of our sentience. But am an axis for social change? can I have a lasting impact? or some at least ephemeral impact because everything is transient