I hate my job

it has ruined any art making and utterly vanquished my energy and it requires nearly no creativity. I don't think i will ever work 45 hours a week for every and ever again. I will waiter way before i will touch another pool deck or handle a small child. I hate with a fiery passion chi leppescu and anna katia. They are the bane of me and everything I have ever been. Chi believes that her goal in life is to be married and fall in love. She exists in perpetual puppy love. She is a whiny bratty bitch cunt who can't handle her shit and lacks any sense of dignity or responsibility. She is infuriating. She doesn't understand that thank you is not the only thing you return favors with but with kindness and a sense of respect and decency. That thank you is hollow if you return it with bitchy whiny crap. I hate that she is fawning and thinks she knows everything about love after being in a long distance relationship of 1 and a half years. I hate how she talks about this jack character @ every chance. i hate how she is ugly fat. ERr. But I contempt the most that they world revolves around her stupid ass at the pool and my boss gives in to her every whim without out anything except that bare minimum from her. While i genuinely work hard and get nothing but gay crap. I hate anna Katia because she well is just a poor facilmile of chi when in her presence and is pretty much a sorority sister. and is so run of the mill and actually a disposable member of society. these people suck. I am never working @ a pool again. I am working redundant lonely labor. That requires an ipod and creativity.

I take back wanting twins. I don't want children. i want to raise a child that isn't mine. i want to be a god parent. I want to take care of someone who isn't cursed by having me as a blood father. My brother should carry my family name. I will live as a some one who is constantly growing and changing an unable to settle so any one who comes in to my life i will not compromise for. Which means no one will come in to my life permanently. I want people to come to me. To love me. as they sort of do now. I want it to be more pronounced. I want to be the caretaker of my beloved. But never the married type.

My art has suffered because of this job. i haven't had the energy to put anything together. Without my friends I think I might have spiraled in to depression they keep me going with their humor and late nights and wild card visitors from college.

I am so scared about Bard. i am actually totally freaking out inside. I realized I am throwing away pure gold such as a good roommate. a 4.0 GPA and honors and deans scholar. Professors who like me. I am throwing allof that away. For a new uncertain blind begining in the middle of nowhere with weirdos and It was all my choice. Incredible. In fuckin credible. I must be crazy. I am so scared.

Weird but terribly personal. I have given up any form of porn because I have thought that it is a vain gesture of prompting one to regular masturbation where I should do it because I feel like i should. I think this is a good idea. I can do it. But now I have no one that I fantasize about. its wierd. I am no longer in love nor lust. i fawn after no one

I love the people who are close to me more than anything.