Time Time Time

Personal Realization:

I am stop and start with all my loves, addictions and learning.

I was stop and start with art. I drew as a kid from 3-7. I gave up. I drew again when i liked dragon Ball z and other anime crap in 5th-7th grade. Then I gave up again. I had brian's class in 7th grade. Gave up in eigth grade got back into it in 9th grade. gave up my sophomore year. Got in Junior year. Gave up that summer. Got in. I am still not as committed as i want to be but now this is permanent. I am in for good. and it feels good. I need to stick to this commitment. I have to stay on this boat.

By I declared a few weeks ago that it is me. and I am sticking with it. that art is me. It is who i am. Incontravertible part of my natural being and my upbringing that i will never tear from my soul. It is my metaphysical connection to the world. My Alpha and My Omega. What is right for me.

Alcohol. I started. I stopped. I drank little by little. Morethis summer and first semester. Gave up. Came back . its like i cannot commit. i can't handle. I start and stop with everything. Am i that scared.

Cigarettes and Weed are exactly the same. I started to smoke. I stopped later. Now I am sort of back into it.

I feel like i am constantly diping ym toes in the water. I am not consistant enough in my commitment to things.

Most importantly I feel like The Guitar is my most pressing commitment that i feel i need to commit to. I played today it was great i had not played in weeks. I think this time i am really going to hunker down I have lost my passion and regained it so many times. I don't get it. Why am I this fucked up. i can't commit to something I love. Why do i have to fight Something i want to be part of me. Why do i have to lose the passions i hold important to me Only to find them again. Its so strangel I really just want to commit. To be with it. To give in to the spirit of my action. To be consistent in character. To grow. No more mish mash start and stop. No more bullshiting myself with excuses on why i can't or shouldn't do something. i just want to Be fully me and not bullshit myself. i need to stop lying to myself and stick to the things i really love. Because i really love the guitar and art and i can't be so weak that when shit goes bad and i am on losing streak that i give up. I need to say strong and consistent to prove that i am willing to do it no matter what. Because i will do it for rich or for poor. I know it i know that this is a part of me that makes me ge ninesly happy. I know that i feel really good when i get it right. So i need to stay constant Keep good habits. Stop being a snob and a Bigot. I cant' keep my good habits Why?

Mercy.

I need to being able to declare that Music and being literate(reading more) , confidently, is a part of me That i cannot leave me. it has been born in and crafted into my metaphysical presence.

I need to delcare and end to bigotry and snobbishness and slobishness within myself. And embrace who i am and the thigns that i truly care about. If I conquer Plato's metaphysical world in me than amybe I can conquer Aristotles' exterior real world before me.

I Am scared of being an indecisive-Good-for-nothing-fuck-up-who-can't-grow-up-and-get-his-shit-together-like-his-father.