Benadryl

I fought a war in my mind this morning.

First things first I am on So Much Benadryl right now its crazy. In fact i am so anti-histamine induced it might be crazy.

So, Last night I went to sleep listening to Animal Collective's Merriweather Post Pavilion rather loudly at 2 am. Thinking about none other than Amelia. I think i may have said her name. But last night unlike other nights when i think of her... it was an especially interesting because i really couldn't help smiling every time i said her name ( i don't usually do this but for some reason i was irrationally compelled to) (ripe with freudian analysis.) (right: for those who do not know... I whole heartedly know that I was/am/(some form of the very "to be) in love with her and this was reciprocated. But i am no longer confident about its reciprocation. Obviously this worries me super fucking much because well i love her.) And this morning or whenever i hit REM cycle i had a dream of her that was very vivid and not necessarily sexual. I imagined her at a fictional space... what i probably believe to be Union College. And for some reason celebrating something there. Oddly her new boyfriend/lover etc that i know little of but still know something about was not present in the dream. But it was a series of odd moments were Amelia and communicated in sort of large crowded room and some how i became agrophobic in my dream asking be left alone to talk to her but consistently being distracted by other people. The communications between us was dissonant and hardly there... you could say there was a communication breakdown.

When I woke up (i obviously remembered the dream very clearly) I was more or less in terrible psychological pain and terror that the one person i can definitely say i love... is absolutely and completely slipping away. And i was horrified by this. And my entire body especially the places of arteries and veins felt like they were inflamed and enraged...But also like myself i was obdient to reason and did not give a blood curdling scream but instead... like Jacob and the Angel wreasled in my bed. In fear. Then I think i realized i had to accept this this loss this falling apart. and everything got worse. My mental composition began to accept this change. And I am still scared... But thing I am not so much accepting that the love is gone but that change is inevitable. that there really isn't anything i can do but that i must do what i can with what i have no. i cannot see the future. And i refuse to impose ridiculous standards on my future. I am afraid but also very happy to know that she will never leave my heart. But life must continue a forward march. Or a march in general.I am still confused. And i can't explain it all but i think things are changing within me and my character. I must follow these feelings down the rabbit hole.

Wait. Fuck. No. Ok so there is more I realized that i most likely will see her in a month. One Fucking month.... And I am so unsure about what will happen. I know what i want to happen. But i think my conclusion this morning is what i want won't happen.... And i have to accept this. I need to find an alternative solution to my expectation on this one. i need something different. I hurt alot because I realized in a single dumbstruck moment that though i told myself this summer won't be the same... I think in the dream i realized it really won't be. How the fuck do i get her back. Do i want her back. Will it hurt. I need answers. But I don't need them... I want the mystery and the answers. i want all the cake and to eat it too. I demand everything from the moment i see her. All my fictional scenarios of when i see her again will come alive in my mind but the forces of nature, her character spirit will not work in synchronis with my imagination. And I am absolutely Horrified by this. Terrified. Stupified. But some how right now that horror is both in me but under control.

What i really want is a happily fuck after with her. I want it to be the fucking lion king. Yeah thats right. I am akin to Simba.

Wow Fuck Sauce.